DISCLAIMER: This article is a honest, personal experience of my journey through the online platform of Twitch.tv. Any names of other people mentioned in this entry are replaced with a single letter in order to best protect their privacy.
How I Started on Twitch Back in 2011
Actually the correct title of this section should be "Why I Started on Justin.tv"...
Throughout my life, I've always been great at RTS (Real-Time Strategy) games. My first claim to fame on RTS was with a game called Command & Conquer: Red Alert, which was created by Westwood Studios. During the years of 1998-99, Westwood Studios would hold a monthly ladder where they gave away prizes for the top 3 players in both the Allied and Soviet factions. I was 15 at the time and I still remember rushing home everyday after school to get my 2 hours of online gaming in before my parents got home from work. I couldn't play when they were home because back in the day, we only had one phone line, and the only way I could connect to the internet was with a 56K dial-up option. Whenever I was online and playing, it would tie up the phone line. Or if someone picked up the phone, it would kick me off the internet. So 2 hours a day every weekday for months, I trained and got better until the month I finally won the Allied faction side in January of 1999. I couldn't use my personal handle of ATrain64 because I couldn't let me parents know I was playing in online tournaments and therefore I couldn't provide an address to Westwood Studios should I win the tournament. This was just a product of my strict childhood where my parents wanted me to focus on school instead of video games. So I asked my cousin to make an account for me under the handle "AsDgSaGsR" (that he created for me randomly by mashing a bunch of letters on the left side of the keyboard) and my prize for winning that month was a 4GB Western Digital hard drive that I didn't need, but ended up selling to a schoolmate for $90. This was the peak of my Red Alert career and I didn't play much after that, since Red Alert started to die out and StarCraft was starting to grow in popularity...
Fast forward to 2010, when the game of StarCraft 2 was released by Blizzard Entertainment. I had played a lot of StarCraft 1, but never competitively. However, I had a lot of friends playing multiplayer StarCraft 2 and I wanted to become really good at the game to show off my skills, which I knew I was capable of since I've always been great at RTS games.
In order to get better at a game, you have to learn from others and practice practice practice! Out of my group of friends, I was the best at StarCraft 2, but that simply wasn't good enough to beat other players online. I would look at forums online regarding build orders and strategy, and I found a website I fell in love with: Liquidpedia (created by Team Liquid). There was so much information in that forum and I definitely got better by reading about strategies. I also found a section on the website that featured people live-streaming the game on Justin.tv. This was the first time I ever learned about live-stream gaming and after watching everyone else streaming the game, I eventually decided to try it myself. I still remember the countless hours I spent setting up Adobe's FMLE (Flash Media Live Encoder) and using audio repeater to capture both my microphone and the game sound for my live-stream. Here's an archived video on Youtube of one of my first live-streams: https://youtu.be/BdLM_nUBssA.
I streamed on Justin.tv for about half a year before they eventually created Twitch.tv, asking people who were streaming video games to move to that platform and off Justin.tv. I made the move to Twitch, but I certainly didn't treat streaming like I do today. Back then, I only cared about myself and the audience I brought in by myself. I was able to build a small gathering on my own because I was a high-level player (I was Diamond when I started out and eventually Master League by the end).
In late 2011, an IBMer named C found my blog entry that I was streaming StarCraft when he Google searched for the keywords "IBM" and "StarCraft". He learned that I was a player who also worked at IBM Tucson like himself, and he told me about a weekly gaming league for StarCraft 2 where only other IBMers were playing. I had so much fun in this private league and met so many other coworkers at IBM to play with.
Come 2012, C had met some IBMers from outside of Arizona and one of them told him about a competitive work league called the After Hours Gaming League. The AHGL featured teams of players from companies all over the world such as IBM, Microsoft, Amazon, Facebook, and Google to name a few. Some of the games were even casted by Day9, a popular sportscaster during StarCraft 2's peak, including a couple of my most memorable games here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vc5NM9baIW4 and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjrdhbSMYGs.
It was during the AHGL that I really got into eSports and Twitch streaming. However, I only streamed on Twitch on the weekends to broadcast IBM's games, shoutcasting and covering games as the team's captain for years. A lot of the games are still archived to my YouTube as of this day. The AHGL was a big part of my life and I still remember the highlight being Season 2 in 2012 when IBM made it to the Grand Finals, where we traveled to Santa Monica and played at Red Bull Gaming Headquarters in front of a live audience.
The AHGL had a good run and Team IBM would continue to play for 3 more seasons until 2015 when StarCraft 2's popularity started to run dry. It was at this time I stopped using Twitch, since there wasn't really anything left for me to stream regarding that game.
How I Returned to Twitch in 2018
While I was no longer playing games competitively after StarCraft 2, I still spent a lot of time playing video games with my friends. Between 2015-18, my friends and I played so much Left 4 Dead. We'd download custom maps on the Steam workshop and play for hours a night, exploring all the different user creations. Eventually a game came out called Fortnite: Save the World, where you had to work as a team to build a base and establish a tower defense against hordes of zombies. But Fortnite was also working on another game mode called Battle Royale. I decided to try it one day and I had no idea the impact this game would have on my life for the next several years...
My first ever experience of Fortnite's Battle Royale was a comical one. I was very bad at the game and played very scared. Fortunately, I wasn't alone, as my friend A had accompanied me in trying it out for the first time together. While we didn't get any wins, we still had a good time. You can see that video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZsEGUuEy0s
The competitive gamer in me, I wanted to get better at Fortnite. In the beginning, I played a lot with my IRL friends and while we didn't get many wins early on, we were having a lot of fun. Fortnite was gaining so much popularity online, but unfortunately this also meant people were getting a lot better at the game and eventually my friends started getting frustrated. Not being able to keep up with the improved opposition, they eventually stopped playing the game altogether. I, however, wanted to get better and keep up with the competition, so I turned to videos online on how to improve one's building, which was a major aspect of the game at the time. YouTube was a great resource for this, but there was nothing like Twitch.tv. You could actually watch the best players in the world play the game, and learning from a live session was unlike any other educational experience out there. I eventually found a professional player/streamer named D and I would watch their streams multiple times a week, learning as much as I could from what they showcased on their channel.
After a couple full seasons of playing Fortnite (about half a year), I felt pretty confident with my skills. I felt like I was good enough to carry newer and less experienced players to Victory Royales on a regular basis. I began streaming my games on Twitch and in the beginning, only my IRL friends would watch the channel. It felt a lot like the StarCraft 2 days, but honestly, that's all I expected or cared for at the time. The middle of 2018 is basically the moment I started streaming again on Twitch and solely the game of Fortnite.
While I was doing my own thing on Twitch, I was curious about other Fortnite streamers on the platform, looking for other people to play with. I started scrolling down past the big streamer channels and looking at smaller streamers that 1) I enjoyed their vibe and 2) thought I might have a chance to play with eventually. Eventually I found two Fortnite streamers in specific that had just started out and I found both of them around the same time, both with about 15 or less viewers at the time I discovered them, and who eventually invited me to play with them after watching them for a while. These two streamers I had the most fun playing Fortnite with in the beginning, so much that I eventually was invited to become moderators of their channels. I'll also admit that both streamers were girls who I found physically attractive, which helped make it more enticing to want to play with them. At the time, I didn't really know much about what Twitch could entail, so I just decided to go with the flow. We'll call the two streamers P and L.
I would end up getting pretty close to P, but a lot of that had to do with having gaming sessions and talks with them off stream. P talked about their interest in going to Twitchcon, but how she didn't really know anyone else going. Me being the adventurous traveler I've always been, I convinced her to go if I was going and we were really excited to share our first experience of Twitchcon together. Twitchcon 2018 was in San Jose, and I still remember a lot of the trip clearly. I rented a car and booked my own hotel for the weekend, while she had plans to stay at an Airbnb. However, she missed her flight to San Jose and thus got redirected to San Francisco. I told her it was no problem for me to drive to San Fransisco. So that's how the trip started out, with an hour detour turned road trip with P.
The con itself was a really cool first experience for me, especially the Fortnite tent, which was holding live competitions and there were so many fascinating Fortnite decorations set up. It was also during this convention that P and I met S, a League of Legends streamer who was bigger in viewership than P at the time. S was very welcoming to P, and since both were aspiring to become bigger streamers on Twitch, the two appeared to have connected well and wanted to establish a friendship post-Twitchcon and help each other out.
Towards the end of the con, P had issues with her Airbnb. She had rented a shared space and the owner was being creepy with her, so she was basically looking for somewhere else to stay the night. I offered my hotel room to her, since it had two separate beds, and she accepted my offer. While nothing really happened that night, things did get a little intimate and it was at this point where I believe we both shared some feelings for each other.
After the con, P expressed how she wanted me to become a bigger part of her channel. She basically wanted me to become a supermod and I wanted to help her achieve her goals. I took a lot of responsibility helping her improve and plan her streams and I would say things were going really well. So well that she would eventually invite me out to her city to visit her. That first trip had a mix of ups and downs, some of which I will admit I was at fault for in my own decisions. Perhaps my expectations were running high. Eventually we would continue down this path and I would take another trip out there around Christmas, but this time with other members from her moderator team and community. While that all went well, I still couldn't help but let her know how I felt about our situation, and how I would eventually want more out of it. She wasn't really pushing for that yet and I respected that and gave her her space, but I could feel like things were slowly drifting in the wrong direction. She would also learn that I was moderating for the female streamer named L and I could sense a form of jealously arising. I still remember how guilty she made me feel when I was playing with L instead of her, or just doing anything for L, who I had met around the same time as P and had felt an almost equivalent responsibility to as a moderator of L's channel. In fact, P even made me feel guilty of being friends with S and playing Fortnite with S on her stream, and I would end up having many conversations with S about how uncomfortable P was starting to make me feel.
Then came the day I gave up on P. It all started because she got into a game with a famous Fortnite streamer named N. The two were paired up in a random-duo in Fortnite and her views on Twitch immediately blew up into the thousands during their game. People in N's community came over to her channel, discovered that she was a very attractive woman, and began asking questions to her about what she thinks of N and basically if she would ever date him. P quickly leveraged the possibility of a N relationship to her advantage. Many of N's viewers would come back to her channel asking about her and N. Here's the one thing that really triggered me though. She specifically told me to lie about her knowing that N was following her on Twitch. She honestly told me that she would play dumb, to try and build up whatever you want to call it. It was here I began to confirm that she had some very deceitful ways in how she mislead people by saying what they wanted to hear and not really meaning it. I began to wonder, is that basically how she strung me along the whole time? Or did she actually ever have feelings for me? Regardless, P would end up riding the N wave to the point she eventually got partnered on Twitch. As a supermod of her channel, I envisioned her growth on Twitch would be more organic, not because some bigger streamer came along and they had a notion of meeting up together, especially when I had interest in P myself before they showed up. I was really disappointed, and it was here that I decided to leave P and her channel altogether, I just couldn't take it anymore. I went my own way and was eventually banned from the channel, even though I never had a discussion with P about the way things ended.
And so a new path on Twitch would form for me...
My Eventual Growth on Twitch
To be honest, the aftermath of P's channel left me feeling pretty crappy for a while. I still wanted to hang out on Twitch, but I wanted a clean slate, so I looked for a stream where I wouldn't know anyone and no one would know of me. Up until this moment, I had only watched and been a part of Fortnite streams, so I decided to look up one of my favorite games of all time: Final Fantasy VII. It was here that I a found a streamer named V and they were doing a first playthrough of the game, which was extremely rare since it was 2019 and the game was originally released in 1997. V was a very small streamer at the time with a simple stream setup through their Playstation and some ten or so viewers, but I found hanging out here very refreshing. Their space made it feel for me like I was starting brand new on Twitch.
I would continue to watch V through their first playthroughs of various games and over time I began to find myself a bigger part of their community. V had also found my stream and enjoyed watching me play Fortnite, so I could sense a nice friendship developing. In fact, this was probably the first circle of friends I felt I was actually on equal grounds with. I didn't moderate for them, they didn't moderate for me, they just treated me equally like another streamer on Twitch and I found the community very endearing. Others I met through V would get to know me pretty well. I'd start branching out and watching their streams and they also started watching my stream, even though I never asked them to. Next thing I knew, I had a small following on Twitch and was becoming a double-digit viewer where I had always been in the single-digit views on Twitch before this. It became apparent to me that people were more likely to watch your stream if they knew who you were, and the easiest way to allow someone to get to know you was by hanging out in other Twitch communities.
For most of 2019, I felt pretty good about my new place on Twitch. I had found a nice community with V and while I still loved to play Fortnite, the only stream I still moderated was for L. I had made it clear that I never wanted to mod on Twitch again, after the way P treated me, and people respected my wishes when I would respectfully decline to moderate for them. But I was having fun on the platform and I was really happy being on Twitch.
Then came that one night that changed a lot for me. In October of 2019, I received an extremely large host from a professional Fortnite gamer/streamer named A. They found my channel randomly because of my muscles showing on camera, at least that's why they picked my channel to raid. A clip of it still exists on Twitch and can be viewed here. Instantly I saw my viewercount on Twitch rise from 11 to 9,000 and leveling out around 2,000 for the rest of the night. I also saw a spike in followers, from 250 to 500 in just one host.
And that is basically how I began to grow on Twitch. First I had my real-life friends who would watch my channel because they knew me in real life. Then I had the friends I made through Fortnite because I was decent at the game and could help carry players to Victory Royales. V's channel was also a big contribution to my following, they had a lot of followers who supported everyone in the community. And then A's host made me realize that I should take this streaming thing more seriously and professionally. By the end of 2020 I had developed my own community on Twitch, consistently averaging 40+ viewers on a nightly basis.
It was at this point that I should've just been content on where I was on the platform. But then I started to notice something happening among some of my friends: they were getting Partnered on Twitch, one of the highest titles a streamer can hold and certainly a level of accomplishment. To be honest, I had never really thought about Twitch Partner. But when I saw some of my favorite streamers on Twitch reaching that achievement, I began to wonder if I could do the same. Now, keep in mind, everyone has a different path on Twitch. People get Partner on the platform for various reasons. Usually what I would observe across partners was one or more of the following:
- Physically attractive and usually a female but can also be a male.
- Extremely good at video games and makes a name for themselves by winning online tournaments or having the highest ranks within a popular multiplayer game.
- An already known presence from outside of Twitch. Either a large following on social media already or a celebrity of some sort.
- A unique talent/skill that only a small subset of people can showcase. Something you just don't see everyday on Twitch.
I knew these were the most common criteria to reach Partner on Twitch, but I didn't really have any of those characteristics. I was just an average guy in their late 30's like so many else, so how would I stand out above the rest? Yet I was passionate about my craft and hard-working, and like any other task I embark on in my life, I wanted to be the best that I could be. I wouldn't feel good about myself unless I honestly felt like I gave it my all. And there was another thing I had at my advantage that most people on the platform didn't already have: disposable income from another vocation.
Supporting Other Streamers on Twitch
The foundation for me was set in place: a top-notch computer and streaming gear for a high quality and professional-looking stream and an already developed community of folllowers and friends to support me along the way. Now I just wanted to keep growing.
Again, I go back to the argument that no one will really watch or support your stream on Twitch unless they know who you are. At the time of this article, the algorithm on Twitch really doesn't support small streamers, since when you look at a game category, the streamers with the highest number of viewers at the time will rise to the top. The discovery method on the platform isn't good, but the problem more so lies in the over-saturation of supply and demand. There are just too many streamers out there (supply) and not enough audience to watch them all (demand). Thus, I believed that the best way to make a name for myself by branching out to other communities, becoming a part of their channel, letting everyone get comfortable with me, playing with the streamer and others, etc. But one of the biggest unwritten rules about Twitch etiquette is respect for other streamers when you are a streamer yourself. Self-promotion is a big no-no on the platform and rightfully so, it seems extremely selfish if you are there only for your own personal gain. It kind of sucks because you'd think all streamers could treat each other more as co-workers than competitiors, but that's how so many people treat each other on the platform. I still remember when I went to a Partnered streamer to support them everyday by saying hi to them and leaving them a lurk on all day while I was busy working, only for them to eventually take screenshots of my messages and shared them saying I was trying to steal views. This left me feeling really shitty. The only reason I was called out upon was because I was also a streamer. If I was just a nobody, a viewer and not a streamer, that person would have loved that I came in and said hi to them everyday and left their channel on all stream to support them with a +1 viewer. But because I was also a streamer, they made me feel as if I only had selfish intent. This basically set up the premise for me that I had to be careful about my behavior whenever I watched and supported other streamers on Twitch. If someone shouted me out, I felt guilty being there and I would often respond "I don't stream, I just watch so-and-so's channel." It's really a shame I had to act that way, but that was the reality of the platform. I felt like I couldn't have my own success until others had their success first and I put others ahead of myself.
Still, I wanted to rise above it all. I made it my own personal goal to be the best supporter on Twitch that a streamer could have. I've always believed in the saying, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I am very empathetic person and I constantly think about how my actions make others feel. I try to put myself in their shoes and think how I'd like to be treated. And so I found myself supporting basically anyone I met on the platform who I think could in return become a friend and supporter of myself. I started to think of Twitch streams as parties in real life. If you want people to come to your party, you need to show up for their parties too and vice-versa. In order to support other streamers like I would've like them to support me, I made sure to always open their stream and leave it open for as long as they were live, even if I was also streaming at the time. I'd end up having 10-20 Google Chrome tabs open at a time all the time. I began to use my work laptop to open all the channels, as to not interfere with the resources on my streaming computer. I had to upgrade my internet plan to an unlimited plan, since I was constantly going over the 2TB/month data limit. I know people say that once you have over 3-5 tabs from Twitch open, you no longer count as a view, but I didn't care. I still believed that it helped support them, that I could still watch their stream along with 20 others, and it still counted towards a person's "watchtime" should they have that set up. I wanted them to find out that I always had their stream open, that I was there for them, because honestly that's how I would've liked to be treated. And to this day, I still leave my laptop online 24/7 to support Twitch streamers, only now I have a Google extension called Twitch Lurker that will automatically open any stream I choose within a few moments of them going live. I'll leave my computer online all day while I leave the house and when I sleep, and the Twitch streams just open on their own. I usually come back to my laptop after hours and have to close the many tabs it opens while I'm away. Twitch lurker was the best tool I ever discovered for Twitch, since I no longer had to constantly be running to my laptop to open a friend's stream when they went live. It was the greatest quality of life improvement on Twitch I've ever experienced, so if you're like me, I highly recommend you go add this extension to your Chrome right now.
I was really good about trying to get to know other streamers on the platform and treating them as my equals. There was a countless number of times that a streamer I never heard of would raid my channel, and I always tried my best to make them feel special and welcome for selecting me. I would immediately stop whatever I was doing on stream, go check out their channel, drop them a follow, make sure I added them to my autolurk, and stop by their channel the next time I saw them go live so that I could get to know them better. It was a heartwarming feeling when the smaller streamers would actually tell me, "that was so cool of you to stop by, there's so many bigger streamers that won't do that." I wanted to show them that I cared and actually wanted to try and befriend them, because that's the kind of person I am. Give everyone a chance and give everyone time.
Let's get back to "watchtime" real quick. This was a tool that certainly had it's uses, but in a way it was also a curse. I had watchtime set up on my channel so that I could see who was actually supporting my channel. Over the years on the platform, I've had too many people lie to me where they say "yeah I love watching your channel, I just don't say anything" or "oh I lurk for you all the time", only to look up their watchtime and see that they were straight up lying to me. They would only say what I wanted to hear in hopes that I'd continue supporting their channel. If you're interested in setting up watchtime for your own channel, you can do so with Streamelements. Streamelements is a third-party tool and in order to enable watchtime, you do have to enable "loyalty" and "points", even if you don't actually use them. While watchtime was helpful in me calling out the liars, I think it was also a curse in that I looked at it too much. I would meet a new streamer on the platform, usually through a raid of some sort (either I raid them or they raid me) and I'd track new streamers' watchtimes in an Excel spreadsheet. I basically gave every new streamer I met the same treatment as everyone else. My laptop would automatically open their channel a few moments of them going live, and eventually I would try to pop in on my own and say hello to them and hang out when I could. I'd give them this treatment for a month, but for the most part, most streamers wouldn't reciprocate the same behavior, so I would eventually unfolllow them because I just didn't think they were worth my time.
Time; I honestly wish I had more of it. The more people you meet on Twitch, the more streamers you meet, the more time you need to make for everyone. It's easy when you only have a couple streamers you want to watch, and only a few people to connect with who watch your stream. But supporting other streamers by actually watching their channel and hanging out and chatting became overwhelming for me. I'd watch 2-3 streamers at a time, trying to make sure I gave them enough of my time. I'd watch someone for 10-15 minutes, then I'd go to the next channel and watch them for another 10-15 minutes, and then I repeated the cycle all day and everyday. I would visit hundreds of streamers everyday. Twitch literally became my life, where all I would do is watch a person's channel just to show them support, and I when I began to feel obligated to it, that's when this became a chore. I was no longer watching people because I actually liked their content, I just wanted to keep showing them support. Don't get me wrong, I agree that it takes time to build friendships. But trying to build hundreds of friendships at the same time became too tasking of me to keep up with that I began to get burnt out. To put this in perspective, here are my Twitch Viewer statistics for 2023.
Obviously if you do the math, 37,000 hours is more than 24 hours a day (it's 104 hours a day). But the days and chat messages are legit. I literally had my laptop on to support Twitch streamers 363 out of the 365 days of the year. And pretty much everyday of the year I was actively chatting in channels on Twitch. The only days I didn't have my laptop on was when I was on a cruise for my birthday, I literally didn't have internet out at sea. But usually if I was traveling, I still had my laptop with me and I would still auto-lurk every channel I supported.
However, lurking and chatting is just one form of supporting other Twitch streamers. I mentioned before that I had "disposable income from another vocation". I've held a career at IBM for 20 years now and I've been very lucky that I've been able to balance work and life the way I have for the past 5 years, especially since I often felt like I was on Twitch more than 80+ hours a week as both a viewer and streamer. IBM awards me a nice salary that allows for me to have a comfortable cost of living, and being the type of person I am, I am very generous with the gifting of my money. This is a trait that follows me into my everyday life. I'll admit I wasn't always this way. In fact, before I started working at IBM, I was a very frugal person that stressed when it came to money. Hell, I still remember when I was in college that I would ask friends for compensation if they wanted to eat some of my cookies, or if they were visiting and wanted to borrow soap, I'd ask them for like 50 cents. I look back and hated that I was that kind of person, and I never want to be that person again. I like who I am now and I feel like I've earned the lavish lifestyle that I live now, where I can afford to have the things I want and also give away a portion of my earnings. Now I'm the kind of person who will buy all their friends a meal at dinner, picking up the entire tab just to do it. Or buying a whole group of friends a round of drinks at the bar, just because it makes me happy. That's who am now, and being generous with my money is a way of showing people that I care about them. In fact, that same person I asked to pay me for soap was shocked when a couple years later at a New Year's Eve party, I just offered to pay for our entire group's cover. He couldn't believe how much I had changed just because of one job, going from being completely stingy to philanthropically generous.
I prided myself in being a sub-gifter on the Twitch platform. Every month for the past years on Twitch I would give away over $1,500 a month in the form of gifted subs. I recorded everyone's birthday in my laptop calendar so I wouldn't forget to give them their $20 on their birthday. For the most part, everyone received the same treatment. If you're wondering, I'd only earn about $300-$500 a month from my own channel, so the net expense of Twitch was over $1,000 a month. I spent so much money on other people on Twitch. I spent more than I received, but I never at once expected anyone to give me the same treatment back since I knew that I was more financially fortunate than others. I loved gifting away my money to friends. It honestly made me feel good and it made me feel special, since it was something that not everyone on the platform had the power to do. In a way, this is how I stood out above the rest. I even made myself an emote for Twitch that was gifted sub in the form of a sniper rifle, since I would always say "BAM! Sniped" whenever I gifted a friend a sub in a channel.
The Peak of My Twitch Channel
The peak of my channel was probably around the 2021-22 timeframe. I had transitioned from solely being a Fortnite streamer to delving into other games, both single-player and multi-player. I have always been a variety gamer and I enjoyed variety streaming. I'd alternate between single-player and multi-player streams, finding success in both areas. I met so many people over the years by playing all types of genres and I was starting to see my stream grow even further. I began to think that getting Partnered on Twitch was an actual possibility, and I was hoping to bear the fruits of my labor. The requirement to unlock Partner on Twitch was to average 75 concurrent viewers over a 30-day period, and I was consistently in the high 50's according to their records.
In May of 2022, Twitch had invited me to participate in their API (Asian and Pacific Islander) month, where my channel would be featured on the front page of Twitch. It was a very exciting opportunity to be a part of, and it was an experience where I actually felt special on Twitch. I was also thinking that this would be the exposure that would push me over the top. While it did help a little, it still wasn't enough, and I eventually went back down to my normal numbers following the promotion period.
While I did have some additional offers and opportunities to join stream teams and piggyback off others' established success, I didn't take them. I wanted to grow my channel organically and by myself. I kept thinking about how much it bothered me that someone like P only got partnered because she luckily fell into the circle of famous streamer. I wanted people to be impressed by me because I got there on my own way and that I had truly earned my place on Twitch, not because someone else gave it to me. Ironic if you think about it though, because that A host did exactly that for me in a way. It was just difficult for someone like me to be a streamer on Twitch based on my ethical foundations.
I would continue to hold the same ground for a long while. I wonder how much of my Twitch success had more to do with Covid-19, which forced people indoors for several months. There was certainly a spike in Twitch users during Covid, since people found solace in online gaming and being able to remain social through Twitch while the rest of the world couldn't be social. Regardless, I felt confident that my channel was doing well, and I was happy with were I stood on the platform. It felt good to be a player on the platform, where people recognized your name and even looked up to you. There were even times I'd be spotted in real life and people would know who I was and that was such a surreal and rewarding feeling. However, I began to notice things change as the months continued...
How I Lost My Faith in Twitch
While some people may argue otherwise, I personally believe that I hit a wall on Twitch that I would never be able to overcome. I would see people on Twitch come and go, and while some stayed with me the whole time, there were several who would not.
Shortly after V got Partnered on Twitch, they stopped visiting my channel completely, in addition to several of the friends she introduced me to. I don't really know why, but I think they had found their niche on Twitch and I was just not meant to be a part of it. I was pretty sad about it at first. However, there were a number of streamers I supported who I watched grow and become partnered, only to stop visiting and supporting me once they hit their goal. I began to grow bitter, feeling used and as if the friendships I was trying to create were always superficial to begin with. Even the streamer L, who I moderated for so long, never wanted to hang out with me on my channel and when I began to find some success and told them that I'd be focusing on myself more, L didn't even acknowledge my existence anymore. After I asked to no longer be a moderator of the channel, I still remember when I resubscribed to L's stream to show her that I was still in support of her, but she wouldn't even read my name, just my message. She proceeded to go on with her stream as if I didn't exist and that was such a saddening experience after all that time I had spent on her.
With an increased number of followers and friends on the platform, it became difficult to divvy up my time across everyone I wanted to support. I would continue to use watchtime in my channel as a reason to cut people out and decrease the amount on my plate. Even though I was trying to do my best to support everyone, I just couldn't keep up with the amount of people I was meeting. I got approached on numerous occasions if I stopped visiting a channel, since I had built such a strong reputation of supporting people and saying hi to them everyday. For example, when I was asked by a streamer why I stopped visiting them, I was honest with them and didn't make up some fake excuse. I told them the reason was because they would never come visit me when I was streaming. I think the chat history shows that they only said hi to me once in a about 2-month period even though I had said hi to them everyday they went live, multiple times a week. I just got tired of what felt like a one-sided friendship and told them there was just other people I wanted to spend my time on. They couldn't accept my reasoning and told me I was being selfish and that they were disappointed in my behavior. They created a private Discord server to try and turn all mutual followers of our channels against me, basically painting me in a bad light. I never once said anything bad about the person publicly to anyone, keeping everything off record in a private sense like a professional would. Even though I wanted to move on, they still made me feel really guilty and I felt really bad that they hated me so much now.
Hate. It happens in the world and it certainly happens on Twitch. And for the silliest reasons too. Did you know that people actually told me they hated my channel? They didn't even give me a chance, they just assumed that I was some cocky person because I wore shirts on my stream that reveal my muscles. I've honestly said many times on my stream that I wear these shirts because I am in fact a muscular person and normal shirts that constrict my arms' range of motion are simply not comfortable. And when I'm relaxing at home playing video games, I just want to be comfortable. I get it though. You can't control if anyone will like you, and there were certainly a lot of people who didn't like me because of my looks, because I was Asian, because of the way I talked, etc. And on a global place like Twitch, it all felt multiplied because everyone in the world can access your channel and be quick to judge your character in the first 5-10 seconds of seeing your stream.
I think a problem with Twitch certainly lies within its users. Anyone in the world can be on Twitch. There is no application or credentials required, no level of accomplishments required before you go on the platform. Think about a professional-level job: you won't get hired at some places unless you've earned a degree at a University, or you show some prior experience that proves you are qualified to work for the company. On Twitch, there are so many people who lack professionalism because they have never been exposed to working in a professional setting. It became difficult dealing with people on the platform who reacted in what I viewed as an illogical and irrational manner, often resulting in immature and childish behavior. I tried my best to be accepting of everyone I met, but it was a challenge having to deal with all types of these kinds of people.
Don't get me wrong though, I also think a lot of the problem has to do with me. I always told myself that you should never make goals that you can't control. The goal of getting Partnered was dependent on other people, and it was a bad goal in the back of my mind that I should have never instilled. I tried hard to focus on my content, focus on playing games of different varieties, and focusing hard on being the best supporter of other people I could be. But to be honest, I couldn't keep it up. I got tired of playing games I didn't really want to play, just playing them to try and meet new viewers and grow the channel. I got tired of visiting so many channels everyday, that felt so much more like a chore than actual entertainment. And I got tired of pouring in so much of my heart, time, and money into others without getting anywhere. I've always strived to be the best I can be, and I wanted to be one of the best "Twitchers" out there. That's why I set up a 24/7 auto-lurk on my laptop, that's why I chose to be so active on Twitch as a supporter of other streamers, that's why I gave away so much of my money on the platform, and that's why I streamed some really heavy hours myself, about 30+ a week in addition to having a full-time career. I can't change the kind of person I am, and I was motivated enough for years to try and be the best Twitcher I could be.
But that itself is another problem. I feel like I poured in so much effort into Twitch, but I never really was rewarded. Sure, I made friends on the platform to play games with, but as you can see from my stories, a lot of these friendships felt superficial. Perhaps it's the virtual world and the fact that people are separated by long distances, and you can only do so much with a long-distance relationship. It did often feel like there were a lot of one-sided friendships, where I was doing all the work and others just took my friendship for granted. But putting in so much work into something and not feeling rewarded is a deflating result. For example, you can work hard at your job and get paid for your hard work. I've spent years getting better at pool and bowling, and I'm recognized by others as a top player in the leagues I participate in. But with Twitch, I never felt like I was anything special even after all the hard work I put into the platform and into others. And while most people would argue here that I should be selfless, even selflessness can have its limits, and I unfortunately I just think I hit that limit.
Twitchcons were supposed to be an opportunity to meet these people in real life and try to establish a more meaningful friendship with these people I had interacted with for years online. While most of the cons did accomplish this, the last couple cons really did me in.
For Twitchcon 2022, I co-organized an Airbnb with a good Twitch friend of mine, but the selection of people who are allowed to stay with us was very strict. In fact, the entire trip was like this. Some of the streamers in the group were Partnered on Twitch, and I still remember one in particular, a streamer named T, who was very adamant about who was allowed to hang out with them. This was completely the opposite of the kind of person I was, where I wanted everyone to feel welcome and involved. I figured if there was actually somebody out there who wanted to meet me in person, that was such a rewarding feeling for me, it basically made me feel recognized and that I had impacted their life enough to make a positive impression. T didn't feel this way at all. T had a large following on Twitch but only wanted to hang out with other streamers and in particular only other Partnered streamers. There was a crab boil dinner that I told people I was going to on my Discord and I wanted people to join as I always figure the more the merrier, right? T sat at the end of the room with their Partnered friends while I sat with everyone else, the viewers and small streamers. T didn't interface with them at all. After the dinner, T scolded me harshly. T would say things like "how do you think that makes me feel having all these viewers come to dinner?" T basically made me feel guilty about inviting people, but I was honestly shocked. I just couldn't relate to someone like T, and I hated how there was someone out there who didn't care at all about the people who supported them and wanted nothing to do with them. They had portrayed themself on stream as being so caring and friendly, but in real life they basically thought nothing of their followers and viewers. I continued to see this kind of mentality among several Twitch streamers. Everything I watched online just felt like an act to generate views and obtain popularity and donations but I knew a lot of it was fake and these streamers were successful and getting rewarded for what I viewed as the wrong reasons.
For Twitchcon 2023, I wanted to take leadership to avoid people like T, so I booked an Airbnb for over 10 people to have a place to stay and I picked who was allowed to stay with me. This included all types of people, streamers and viewers both. I wanted to treat all my supporters equally. I fronted a lot of my own money to make the experience as pleasant for anyone staying with me. I went out of my way to try and make everyone feel comfortable, I set up a schedule of events for people to participate in so they would have activities to keep them occupied, and I provided and cooked a lot of food for everyone. There was even a person who I was not expecting to stay at the Airbnb, but I felt bad that they didn't have a place to stay, so I accommodated their needs and gave them a place to stay. I also made the mistake of driving to Twitchcon, and as a result I found myself driving people all over the place, since I was one of the few people who had a car and people could save money riding with me instead of booking their own rideshares. And if I chose to use a rideshare myself, it was usually me being the one who got it. While I never really expect anyone to return the favors I hand out, it would be nice to eventually get some of that back, or at least appreciation shown for what I did for everyone. In fact, I don't think a lot of people would have even had the experience they did if not for my leadership. But in reality, about only half the people I helped actually thanked me for what I did. I talked with some close friends about why that is, and some seem to think it's because it's just what people expect of me. It's easy to take for granted someone who regularly does so much for everyone. But after this Twitchcon, I really began to think to myself: why am doing so much for those who won't do the same for me? I really started to feel unappreciated after this past Twitchcon and I don't think there was anything anyone could do for me to feel otherwise. While it sounds selfish to think about myself in this stance, I honestly can't change the way I now feel about a majority of the people on Twitch. And I know I'm not alone on this either. Remember S who I mentioned earlier? She felt exactly the same way I do now. She was 72 out of 75 viewers from unlocking Partner on Twitch but never made it there either. And she also got burnt out after Twitchcon 2022, just like I did. She hasn't streamed in over a year and she also agrees it was one of the better decisions she's made in her life.
And that's kind of where I stand now. I feel exhausted from the platform. I spent so much of the past years on Twitch, I literally lived on it everyday. And after all of that, while I have made some really good friends, there's a lot that feel very superficial. The small reward I have from the platform are some friends who I think I will stay connected with for life, but that's about it. I just don't think Twitch is a good place for someone like me. My generosity and compassion for others will get taken for granted and I don't want to feel this way anymore. I just don't want to spend anymore time on superficial, one-sided friendships, and there were too many of those relationships on Twitch. And there's too many people on the platform I just can't personally relate to even though I tried so hard to be accepting of everyone.
So What Now?
I haven't streamed since before Twitchcon of 2023. I think my last stream was October 16th. I've packed up my cameras and my Streamdeck. While I still auto-lurk for everyone I follow, I have not chatted in anyone's channel since Twitchcon. I feel like if I say hi in one person's channel, everyone will expect me to say hi in theirs, and I'd feel bad if I didn't give everyone the same treatment. I will often watch the streamers I really want to watch, but I never engage in their chat anymore. It is interesting to see when someone says something about me and it's nice to know that I am still remembered and sometimes missed. But to be honest, it's also been very refreshing to be off the platform like I have been the past few months. It's crazy how much time and money I was spending on the platform, and I've been able spend so much more time and money on myself now. And playing video games has actually become enjoyable again. For example, I'm currently playing Final Fantasy XVI and it's been so nice to just be able to watch cutscenes interrupted, sprawl out on the couch and be lazy, and play unrushed for an hour at a time at my own pace as I choose to.
I'm also happy to say that I've been dating someone for the past several months and it's going really well! I met her about a month before I stopped streaming on Twitch. I've never met anyone like her before, I honestly feel like she's my soulmate, the most amazing and wonderful person I've ever met, and I really enjoy spending my time with her instead of being on Twitch. I've always wanted a partner that I can game with and we have so much in common, so many activities that we enjoy doing together. The past 5 years I was on Twitch, I was single, and while I really thought I might find a partner on Twitch, I never did. I still can't believe that I've been lucky enough to find her, let alone in my own city that I've lived for in for over 20 years. I don't want to get ahead of myself too much because it hasn't been that long yet, but so far she's made me the happiest I've ever been.
I honestly feel like Twitch can be a great place for some people. The five years I spent on the platform, I did feel like a lot of the people I interacted with were good friends of mine. And while it didn't actually end up that way, it can be a place for lonely people to feel not so lonely anymore. When I was on Twitch, I was at a point of my life where I felt lonely. Recall that I had trouble finding people to play Fortnite with, my IRL friends gave up on the game. I found people on Twitch to play video games with and also on my own schedule and you can't always have that in the real world.
If you do get involved on Twitch, I hope you'll take what I've said in this article and prepare yourself for the possibilities of what can lie ahead. At the end of the day, it's still just a social media platform where people can live behind their virtual curtains and leave you at any time if they want to. I think it's a tough place to be for someone like me who wanted to make real, meaningful relationships with everyone. The streamers that are so big and popular don't have to worry about who they try to befriend, they are as selective as they want to be.
I wanted to change the mold of streamers on Twitch. I wanted to be that person who excelled at the platform, but was giving back to everyone that was a fan of me. I wanted to share my success with others, and I wanted to reward those who chose to support me. I've always been a person who will give more than they will receive, and I want to put others' happiness and well-being ahead of my own. But that is why a place like Twitch is bad for someone like me. I felt like I gave so much, only to get devoured in the process, and then that feeling was multiplied by the hundreds of people who treated me that way on the platform. I feel like only 5% of the people I met on the platform actually treated me well, like an actual friend, and for those people I am grateful they exist.
As for now, I am retiring from Twitch. I don't want to go back to how I was on it any time soon. I'm hesitant to just hang out on the platform like I want to because I've created too high of expectations of myself. If I say hi to one person, I'd have to say hi to everyone; I'd personally feel obligated to and I'd feel bad not saying hi to everyone I know. So I remain quiet and distant because I don't think I can live up to those expectations right now. I kind of want enough time to pass to the point where people just forget about me, so that if I ever did return, I could start brand new. Go back to just enjoying a few channels and having myself a chill stream here and there. Right now, I doubt I'll come back, but if I ever do, I'll definitely have a different approach based on what I've learned and experienced from it these past five years.
I'm 40 years old now and just ready to move on to the next stage of my life. Twitch was a big era in my life for me and I'll have many good memories of it. For me, it's just time to move on and put myself ahead for a change. I wasn't happy on Twitch anymore, it became more of a chore and less of a hobby. It felt more like a job, a job where I didn't actually make money or was rewarded, and that's just the reality what it became for me. Again, I know that a lot of it was my fault, I'm just that kind of person in life, but it's not fair to not be allowed to be who you want to be, and I honestly think I am a really good person, I'll just get severely taken advantage of on a place like Twitch. So that's pretty much that. These past few months of being off Twitch, I'm probably the happiest I've ever been in my life, so that in itself says a lot.
Thank you to all the people who did choose to support me and the ones I feel like I can call actual friends. And thank you if you actually took the time to read all of this. I don't expect anyone to agree with how I feel about Twitch right now, but it took a lot of courage for me to write everything and be completely honest with the way I felt.
